This is excellent. I could have sent you the question at the top; sadly, we happen to be in almost the *exact* same place as the questioner. The hardest part for me is when I *know* how false and wrong something our 18-year-old daughter says is ... and it takes every fiber in me to bite my tongue and not point out the contradictions or faulty logic of the culture's "sound bites" we're given, or push back at her with facts that so easily disprove things she says. (I can be passionate about things I feel are right or wrong, and I'm naturally inclined to try to present logical arguments for them!) It's a challenge for me to stick to asking open-ended questions, rather than coming at her with declarative statements debating her position. But this essay reminds me to try to resist all that for now, and focus more on reinforcing a space of forging empathy, connection, and authenticity. So, thank you so much for this. I need to keep it handy to remind myself over and over!
Edited to add: Although we realize this more patient, active-listening approach is what we need to do to best help our daughter, I can't convey strongly enough what torture it is to have to "take it slow" in what is to us a very urgent situation. She started testosterone injections 8 weeks ago, against our strong objections (it was prescribed on her first visit to Planned Parenthood, no counseling or evaluation at all, and she is high-functioning autistic and has a long history of serious psychological issues). Tragically, her voice has already deepened quite a bit—sooner than we expected it could—and her face is already changing. God only knows what other permanent damages are happening internally. So we are devastated and terrified, helplessly watching these permanent changes happening to her right before our eyes, and yet we realize we have to tread very patiently and carefully to try to help her get out of this—resisting every instinct to just grab her up from college and take her away from everything, and confront her directly to make her realize how crazy and "not herself" and dangerous what she's doing is, and how she is almost 100-percent likely to deeply regret it a few years hence. It is absolutely killing us and is a dark, heartbreaking time for our always very close-knit small family. (She is our only child.) For now I have saved the last voice messages I have from her on my phone, and listen to them, when I can bear to, to remember her lovely, familiar female voice we loved so, so much, now forever gone.
I’m so sorry. People outside of this cannot understood how traumatizing this is for parents. Easy to call us bigots and feel virtuous with no skin in the game. Hard to find comfort when we’re forced to witness what’s happening with eyes wide open. And while I appreciate this perspective and the good advice to focus on listening, it’s yet another way to beat ourselves up about what we’ve said in the past. If only we could have been more perfect…
I’m going to add to my own comment below: where is the evidence that these apparent displays of bad parent judgement have no positive effect in any kid? Post-transition Monday morning quarterbacking is not necessarily accurate. Parents fighting this are eternally enraged about the lack of evidence upon which to medicalize children, yet when we receive evidence-free advice about what we did wrong, we jump on it like it was gospel. I’m not saying this advice is not helpful, but it should require the same burden of proof before we (re)start the self-flagellation.
Ultimately, there is no "right" way of dealing with it. No right way of removing someone from what is essentially a governmental and socially backed Cult.
Most detrans stories i come across are of people who were curious, but prevented by authority figures until they had a self realization, or those whose lives have become so hellish post-transition, that they are backed into a corner with nothing left to blame for their misery. A lengthy process for the latter.
In a teenager, id wager someone is just as likely, if not more likely to be successful by cutting off all connections to those outside influences that are driving this behavior to begin with[school, unvetted peers, internet,] but when we are talking about someone 18+, as a parent you can't exert that level of control anymore.
I pray for all those parents and children who have fallen victim to this ploy, and wish there were easier ways to protect children from its predations, but its very much an "us versus them" world, and there is much more to protect a child from than ever before.
This is an unbelievably wise and articulate piece of writing. I am a therapist, but I fell for all the things you point out when communicating with my daughter (subconscious fear, distress etc) and trying to force her in a one-and-done conversation. Fear and rage will do that to me. Since I worked out where I was going wrong (and, as you suggested, journalled, to understand what I was really thinking) communication has been restored.
To be clear, my dtr is not trans, but was a vitriolic ally for trans people in high school. This anti-social, irrational behaviour got me interested in what was going on, and I began researching. What I found and continue to find, horrifies me. Also, when I was 15 (in the early 80s) I identified as a "boy" for a year due to rape. I shaved my head, wore men's clothes and changed my name.
If I was a teenager now, I can only imagine the outcome. I am beyond-grateful that I went through that at a time when my development was allowed to continue unimpeded by drugs, surgery, or indoctrination into the cult of trans.
Your experience in the early 80s of wearing men’s clothes, changing your name, etc. fascinates me because of the contrast between the social climate then and now. How did those around you - peers, parents, teachers, etc. deal with this?
This was in Australia in a small city of 250,000 in 1982. My dad had the biggest reaction; sheer horror when he saw my shaved head. He was angry, but didn't know what to do. He didn't protest when I started wearing his old clothes. He just waited, hoping I would grow out of it.
My mum was supportive of me as a person but concerned about the drinking, drugs, and general self-hatred. She didn't know what to do either, so she stayed close. At school I just started writing my boy's name on my schoolbooks and I don't remember any teachers saying a word.
My friends and I were already known as the 'weird' girls (meaning we were bisexual or lesbian, and wore docs and torn clothes lol). The other kids in my year pretty much ignored me; I didn't get any harrassment.
Which is to say that generally speaking I was neither encouraged nor rejected. I was just allowed to be. In retrospect, I didn't want to be a boy, I wanted to repel male attention. This approach was perfect, because most teenagers - if you tell them not to do something - will just push back harder. I grew out of this phase in a couple of years. I am appalled that kids like I was - at their most psychologically and emotionally broken and confused - are encouraged to lie about reality and turn themselves into sterile, life-long medical patients at an age when society does not allow them to legally drink, drive a car or have sex.
The thought experiment I conduct on this state of affairs is: What would happen if I started saying, "I feel like a Native American man, therefore I am one. Native American communities must accept me, and the men must let me participate as a man in their sacred ceremonial spaces, because if I feel that way, it must be true". OMFG would I be CANCELLED (and rightly so) …
Thank you for writing this article. It has been beyond frustrating because our daughter is so logical on all other matters. However, the indoctrination came at the ideal time - and on the heels of a 7th grade slumber party given by a jr. pageant teen. Everyone was playing with hair and make-up but my daughter who hates anything on her face, having her hair touched and caring about fashion. Miss Pageant insisted my daughter must be trans. Not knowing what that term meant she researched the ever-so-reliable internet. Always the outsider, she got the "explanation" she longed for.
Our parental guidance was suddenly usurped by the internet, puberty, and teen-age advice.
After 5 yrs. of "my way" talks have failed, maybe I'll start to "win" with your method.
We’re only a year in but I also have been trying to “logic” her out of it. I am trying to change tactics as Helena suggests, but worried I’ve lost her trust to a point. I wish I’d known so many things before now! I guess you do the best with what you have at the time, right? I wish you well and for a “win” for both of us!
This is amazingly good! I figured much of this out intellectually (and through extensive research,) but let me tell you, it was a whole different story to put it into practice. I had to really track my own energy, paying attention to my physical discomfort in the moment so that I could shift it the energy I was bringing to the conversation. In the early days, I definitely did some damage with my fear and anger. I'm now grateful for this journey with my daughter that has forced me to become such a better communicator. Of course, as parents, we're terrified, and to find genuine curiosity in a conversation that is making your stomach turn with intense fear for your child, takes a level of consciousness and self control that is exhausting. It's so worth it though. It took me awhile to get there. Part of the journey was getting super clear on my values and accepting my daughter has a "different world view" than I do. Now I can have authentic conversations with her, ask genuine questions about things that don't make sense to me without the energetic shield coming up between us. I had to work hard to bring that shield down--the shield that was erected when I acted out of fear in the early days of discovering my child's trans ID. Good stuff, Helena! We're so lucky to have your wisdom.
so happy to hear this!!! and i completely agree, understanding intellectually is one thing but being able to shift your approach in this way requires a lot of inner work on the parent's behalf. overcoming old wounds and patterns that maybe even stem from their own past. thats hard stuff. but i know that doing this work will improve so many families communication and lives, but parents need resources and support.
I agree that parents need resources and support. Doing the inner work is really all we have control over and it provides a healthy model for our children. I invite families to check out my substack and if my writing and podcasts resonate, to reach out to me. I offer coaching that can help parents to navigate this in a way that feels better and heals relationships.
StoicMom - Has your daughter pushed hard for testosterone and surgery of late? What has been your response to her? Is she still trans ID? How old? I am deep in it with mine, who has just turned 17 and is so desperate to transition before college that they will not look at college info. Their dad and I are struggling to figure out the best way to support. Reminders like Helena's and yours to listen actively and shift approach are immensely helpful - and - we are struggling. Hard.
My girl turned 18 at the beginning of summer and her bestie (who has been on T for about a year) got top surgery the same week, in preparation for college I guess? There seems to be something to this "new school, new me" thing. I'm grateful my daughter is not interested in college at the moment. She had planned to move back to the city we left a few years ago, but she ended up sinking cash into a lemon of a car and that set her back financially. She doesn't seem in a hurry now to get another car and get that plan back in motion. She's still home with us, working a good job, still trans-identified, but not pushing for medical interventions (tho still claims that's her intent.) Is your struggle related to her college resistance or to her push for medicalization?
Oh my goodness - we would be fine with them not going to college right away. They seem intent on leaving home, though. They are extremely anxious. They had a job for part of the summer, and are getting in gear for senior year of high school (just turned 17, doing really well academically), but not motivated to look at school unless they can transition. I am desperately trying to maintain a strong connection, as is their dad. They are hyper focused on the medical transition, and thinking we were doing the right thing, we found a therapist who was recommended by a gender therapist who very publicly criticizes the current climate of affirmation only for adolescents and young adults. We are concerned, however, that this therapist is concretizing the identity versus helping our sweet kid with some other serious issues, traumatic experiences and neurodivergent challenges as we thought she would. Ultimately the struggle is related to the push for medicalization that they want to do whatever happens at 18. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your response and this substack. We are not a transphobic family, fwiw. We do believe that there are some kids who truly are trans and need appropriate support. If we thought that our kid showed true signs, we would support this, but we do not feel the identity is authentic, but rather another hyperfocus and magic pill, if you will, that they think will solve all their problems. At the end of the day they will still be who they are. They are emotionally pretty young, and the pandemic did not help this. Their dad and I do not think they fully comprehend the long term effects of T. I gotta say - it is refreshing to read your referring to your daughter as "she/her".
"emotionally pretty young" is rather common. I'm curious if there is one of my essays that you feel is especially relevant? Also, I do a free discovery session if you're interested in having a conversation. You can find the form to set one up on my about page. I may be able to help you navigate in a way that is less stressful for you.
Hi - Your and Helena's writing have helped greatly. Helena - I am so glad you are caring for yourself and stepping back as needed. Reading your experience and advice has been an enormous comfort during this challenging time, and a reminder for balance. You have made a huge difference. You too, StoicMom. I will reach out soon, but in the meantime, Defining Trans, Communicating with your Archetypal Female and aspects of Are You the Enemy have definitely shed light on the structure of this identity and resonated deeply with me as a parent. Both of you - Helena as having experienced this identity and StoicMom as a parent have done a world of good in your willingness to be vulnerable and share. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts! I share your gratitude for Helena's work. She has been such an important voice, and her courage and authenticity are inspiring and give me so much hope. I was very grateful to find her early in our experience with this, and I feel like we've got to watch her mature into her wisdom in real time; her ability to describe and share with such clarity is so incredibly helpful!
Helena, you are a force and the world will be better for your advocacy! You've already done so much and we all support you doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. But beyond that, I love your awareness of your boundaries and that you're modeling for young women to listen to their bodies and tend to their needs.
This is really good and incredibly useful. There’s a tendency to “tell ‘em to knock it off” (esp on the right where people only see the vapid “performative” wokeness) but many kids who fell into it are completely sincere, and tough-love approaches will prob make their kid hide it until they’re 18; it’s a disaster in the making!
I have a tomboy about to start middle school who feels things deeply (like me!); I’m very glad you started writing this. Thank you!
Thanks for what you have written, I still really struggle to know how to talk to my 15 year old about this without arguing about it. If I accept what she says then it feels like I am agreeing with her. I really want to send her the link to your detransition story because you sound exactly like her in so many ways. But I suspect that she will just see 'detransition' at the top and refuse to read it. Also I'm then falling into the 'sending detrans articles' thing from your 'bingo' below. But I feel that she is getting a very one sided view on things from the people she follows and reads about, and I want her to get the other side. Any thoughts?
Hi, I'm not a parent, let alone of an ROGD child, but here's something that might help. I met a young man in college a long time ago, who said he was an agnostic, and always butting heads with his father about religion. His father was the leader of a small, fundamentalist church. Finally, they came to this agreement. If the father wanted the son to read something (say, a 15-page article), the father would agree to read something the son chose, of roughly the same length. If, on another occasion, the son wanted the father to read a 200-page book, the son would agree to read a similar-length book chosen by his father. That way, they both got the other to read important documents, while agreeing to read something of similar length from the other's perspective.
Perhaps suggesting such an arrangement with your daughter might make her more receptive to reading things you suggest, if she knew she could choose things of similar length for you to read (or listen to.)
I am so glad you posted this again. Ive thought about it over the yrs. and could not remember where to find it at. Im the one who asked you the ?...My daughter had already left and I did not have a chance to "listen" she had already blocked me. BUT I want to be prepared if she ever allows me back into her life again. :-)
breaks my heart to hear that she has blocked you but if its any consolation i blocked my mom too. i think preparing for when/if she lets you back in is the right attitude. i wish you the best <3
I’m someone who’s contemplating cutting my parents off for reasons unrelated to transition. For context, I have gender dysphoria, but am doing everything possible to cope without transitioning, which is why I’m here. My parents, my mother in particular, have trouble recognizing that I’m an adult capable of making my own decisions. I’m heading home for the summer, and am dreading the yearly “why won’t you shave your legs” argument. Not shaving my legs is one of the few ways I have of feeling grounded in my body, so it’s necessary to stave off suicidal thoughts. Additionally, she has a way of insisting on perfection. She will literally come into my and my sisters room at night to berate us for 90% grades. When I tell her that it makes me afraid to go to sleep, she pulls the “oh so you think I’m a bad mom” card. It’s frustrating because I know she really does love me, but she inhibits my ability to function and live a happy life.
I don’t know why your kid is estranged. But if I had to give any advice for parents of estranged children, if they do come back in your life, respect them as an adult, acknowledge their feelings, and try your best not to control them through emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. I wish you all the best, and hope one day you and your child can have a peaceful resolution.
I love your advice!!! It made me really rethink how I am going to connect with my daughter going forward. I can’t change her mind, but I can support her emotionally and pray for the best for her ❤️
Not yet. She and I have been talking more openly though and she isn't exactly saying she's in the wrong body anymore but more like she's more comfortable in guys' clothing. I really think there are control issues at play, etc. She recognizes her abandonment issues from the adoption and other things that she is working on. As long as the sun rises there's hope. Thank you for asking and I hope all is going well on your side.
I really enjoyed Helena's writings, but this is definitely starting to seem like a grift to me. $7 a MONTH for a subscription, but it has been almost 4 months since Helena has posted anything. I am glad I never paid for a subscription, but it seems like Helena is really fleecing people that supported her. It is disappointing when yet another person who appeared to have a meaningful perspective turns out to be a grifter.
And maybe it just became too overwhelming for her to be on Tucker, Carlson and have all of that attention on her. She doesn’t seem to me to be the type of person that would really want that attention. I think she really does want to help people. People are also very cruel. I am assuming she is getting a lot of negative attention from the trans community. I’m just saying maybe she needed to take a break from all of it.
This is excellent. I could have sent you the question at the top; sadly, we happen to be in almost the *exact* same place as the questioner. The hardest part for me is when I *know* how false and wrong something our 18-year-old daughter says is ... and it takes every fiber in me to bite my tongue and not point out the contradictions or faulty logic of the culture's "sound bites" we're given, or push back at her with facts that so easily disprove things she says. (I can be passionate about things I feel are right or wrong, and I'm naturally inclined to try to present logical arguments for them!) It's a challenge for me to stick to asking open-ended questions, rather than coming at her with declarative statements debating her position. But this essay reminds me to try to resist all that for now, and focus more on reinforcing a space of forging empathy, connection, and authenticity. So, thank you so much for this. I need to keep it handy to remind myself over and over!
Edited to add: Although we realize this more patient, active-listening approach is what we need to do to best help our daughter, I can't convey strongly enough what torture it is to have to "take it slow" in what is to us a very urgent situation. She started testosterone injections 8 weeks ago, against our strong objections (it was prescribed on her first visit to Planned Parenthood, no counseling or evaluation at all, and she is high-functioning autistic and has a long history of serious psychological issues). Tragically, her voice has already deepened quite a bit—sooner than we expected it could—and her face is already changing. God only knows what other permanent damages are happening internally. So we are devastated and terrified, helplessly watching these permanent changes happening to her right before our eyes, and yet we realize we have to tread very patiently and carefully to try to help her get out of this—resisting every instinct to just grab her up from college and take her away from everything, and confront her directly to make her realize how crazy and "not herself" and dangerous what she's doing is, and how she is almost 100-percent likely to deeply regret it a few years hence. It is absolutely killing us and is a dark, heartbreaking time for our always very close-knit small family. (She is our only child.) For now I have saved the last voice messages I have from her on my phone, and listen to them, when I can bear to, to remember her lovely, familiar female voice we loved so, so much, now forever gone.
I’m so sorry. People outside of this cannot understood how traumatizing this is for parents. Easy to call us bigots and feel virtuous with no skin in the game. Hard to find comfort when we’re forced to witness what’s happening with eyes wide open. And while I appreciate this perspective and the good advice to focus on listening, it’s yet another way to beat ourselves up about what we’ve said in the past. If only we could have been more perfect…
If only…
I’m going to add to my own comment below: where is the evidence that these apparent displays of bad parent judgement have no positive effect in any kid? Post-transition Monday morning quarterbacking is not necessarily accurate. Parents fighting this are eternally enraged about the lack of evidence upon which to medicalize children, yet when we receive evidence-free advice about what we did wrong, we jump on it like it was gospel. I’m not saying this advice is not helpful, but it should require the same burden of proof before we (re)start the self-flagellation.
Ultimately, there is no "right" way of dealing with it. No right way of removing someone from what is essentially a governmental and socially backed Cult.
Most detrans stories i come across are of people who were curious, but prevented by authority figures until they had a self realization, or those whose lives have become so hellish post-transition, that they are backed into a corner with nothing left to blame for their misery. A lengthy process for the latter.
In a teenager, id wager someone is just as likely, if not more likely to be successful by cutting off all connections to those outside influences that are driving this behavior to begin with[school, unvetted peers, internet,] but when we are talking about someone 18+, as a parent you can't exert that level of control anymore.
I pray for all those parents and children who have fallen victim to this ploy, and wish there were easier ways to protect children from its predations, but its very much an "us versus them" world, and there is much more to protect a child from than ever before.
How have things turned out one year on?
"Unnaturally" is the whole point. And unneeded.
Is "changing body" how one should simply describe cancer, or permanent loss of fertility, caused by an unneeded and ill-thought-out action at age 18?
Yes, she's unhappy. This has not made her "feel better" overall, in fact has escalated emotional distress and not improved her self image.
No reason? I’m wondering if you are a parent?
This is an unbelievably wise and articulate piece of writing. I am a therapist, but I fell for all the things you point out when communicating with my daughter (subconscious fear, distress etc) and trying to force her in a one-and-done conversation. Fear and rage will do that to me. Since I worked out where I was going wrong (and, as you suggested, journalled, to understand what I was really thinking) communication has been restored.
To be clear, my dtr is not trans, but was a vitriolic ally for trans people in high school. This anti-social, irrational behaviour got me interested in what was going on, and I began researching. What I found and continue to find, horrifies me. Also, when I was 15 (in the early 80s) I identified as a "boy" for a year due to rape. I shaved my head, wore men's clothes and changed my name.
If I was a teenager now, I can only imagine the outcome. I am beyond-grateful that I went through that at a time when my development was allowed to continue unimpeded by drugs, surgery, or indoctrination into the cult of trans.
Your experience in the early 80s of wearing men’s clothes, changing your name, etc. fascinates me because of the contrast between the social climate then and now. How did those around you - peers, parents, teachers, etc. deal with this?
This was in Australia in a small city of 250,000 in 1982. My dad had the biggest reaction; sheer horror when he saw my shaved head. He was angry, but didn't know what to do. He didn't protest when I started wearing his old clothes. He just waited, hoping I would grow out of it.
My mum was supportive of me as a person but concerned about the drinking, drugs, and general self-hatred. She didn't know what to do either, so she stayed close. At school I just started writing my boy's name on my schoolbooks and I don't remember any teachers saying a word.
My friends and I were already known as the 'weird' girls (meaning we were bisexual or lesbian, and wore docs and torn clothes lol). The other kids in my year pretty much ignored me; I didn't get any harrassment.
Which is to say that generally speaking I was neither encouraged nor rejected. I was just allowed to be. In retrospect, I didn't want to be a boy, I wanted to repel male attention. This approach was perfect, because most teenagers - if you tell them not to do something - will just push back harder. I grew out of this phase in a couple of years. I am appalled that kids like I was - at their most psychologically and emotionally broken and confused - are encouraged to lie about reality and turn themselves into sterile, life-long medical patients at an age when society does not allow them to legally drink, drive a car or have sex.
The thought experiment I conduct on this state of affairs is: What would happen if I started saying, "I feel like a Native American man, therefore I am one. Native American communities must accept me, and the men must let me participate as a man in their sacred ceremonial spaces, because if I feel that way, it must be true". OMFG would I be CANCELLED (and rightly so) …
This is so true. I keep thinking you are 23, only 23. Wow. You would make a wonderful therapist.
This is so incredibly wise, Helena. You are such a gift to us. Thank you and keep being humble, kind, and wise as you are. Blessings to you.
Thank you for writing this article. It has been beyond frustrating because our daughter is so logical on all other matters. However, the indoctrination came at the ideal time - and on the heels of a 7th grade slumber party given by a jr. pageant teen. Everyone was playing with hair and make-up but my daughter who hates anything on her face, having her hair touched and caring about fashion. Miss Pageant insisted my daughter must be trans. Not knowing what that term meant she researched the ever-so-reliable internet. Always the outsider, she got the "explanation" she longed for.
Our parental guidance was suddenly usurped by the internet, puberty, and teen-age advice.
After 5 yrs. of "my way" talks have failed, maybe I'll start to "win" with your method.
We’re only a year in but I also have been trying to “logic” her out of it. I am trying to change tactics as Helena suggests, but worried I’ve lost her trust to a point. I wish I’d known so many things before now! I guess you do the best with what you have at the time, right? I wish you well and for a “win” for both of us!
I’m reading old messages and I’m just wondering if your daughter has desisted at all.
This is amazingly good! I figured much of this out intellectually (and through extensive research,) but let me tell you, it was a whole different story to put it into practice. I had to really track my own energy, paying attention to my physical discomfort in the moment so that I could shift it the energy I was bringing to the conversation. In the early days, I definitely did some damage with my fear and anger. I'm now grateful for this journey with my daughter that has forced me to become such a better communicator. Of course, as parents, we're terrified, and to find genuine curiosity in a conversation that is making your stomach turn with intense fear for your child, takes a level of consciousness and self control that is exhausting. It's so worth it though. It took me awhile to get there. Part of the journey was getting super clear on my values and accepting my daughter has a "different world view" than I do. Now I can have authentic conversations with her, ask genuine questions about things that don't make sense to me without the energetic shield coming up between us. I had to work hard to bring that shield down--the shield that was erected when I acted out of fear in the early days of discovering my child's trans ID. Good stuff, Helena! We're so lucky to have your wisdom.
so happy to hear this!!! and i completely agree, understanding intellectually is one thing but being able to shift your approach in this way requires a lot of inner work on the parent's behalf. overcoming old wounds and patterns that maybe even stem from their own past. thats hard stuff. but i know that doing this work will improve so many families communication and lives, but parents need resources and support.
I agree that parents need resources and support. Doing the inner work is really all we have control over and it provides a healthy model for our children. I invite families to check out my substack and if my writing and podcasts resonate, to reach out to me. I offer coaching that can help parents to navigate this in a way that feels better and heals relationships.
StoicMom - Has your daughter pushed hard for testosterone and surgery of late? What has been your response to her? Is she still trans ID? How old? I am deep in it with mine, who has just turned 17 and is so desperate to transition before college that they will not look at college info. Their dad and I are struggling to figure out the best way to support. Reminders like Helena's and yours to listen actively and shift approach are immensely helpful - and - we are struggling. Hard.
My girl turned 18 at the beginning of summer and her bestie (who has been on T for about a year) got top surgery the same week, in preparation for college I guess? There seems to be something to this "new school, new me" thing. I'm grateful my daughter is not interested in college at the moment. She had planned to move back to the city we left a few years ago, but she ended up sinking cash into a lemon of a car and that set her back financially. She doesn't seem in a hurry now to get another car and get that plan back in motion. She's still home with us, working a good job, still trans-identified, but not pushing for medical interventions (tho still claims that's her intent.) Is your struggle related to her college resistance or to her push for medicalization?
Oh my goodness - we would be fine with them not going to college right away. They seem intent on leaving home, though. They are extremely anxious. They had a job for part of the summer, and are getting in gear for senior year of high school (just turned 17, doing really well academically), but not motivated to look at school unless they can transition. I am desperately trying to maintain a strong connection, as is their dad. They are hyper focused on the medical transition, and thinking we were doing the right thing, we found a therapist who was recommended by a gender therapist who very publicly criticizes the current climate of affirmation only for adolescents and young adults. We are concerned, however, that this therapist is concretizing the identity versus helping our sweet kid with some other serious issues, traumatic experiences and neurodivergent challenges as we thought she would. Ultimately the struggle is related to the push for medicalization that they want to do whatever happens at 18. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your response and this substack. We are not a transphobic family, fwiw. We do believe that there are some kids who truly are trans and need appropriate support. If we thought that our kid showed true signs, we would support this, but we do not feel the identity is authentic, but rather another hyperfocus and magic pill, if you will, that they think will solve all their problems. At the end of the day they will still be who they are. They are emotionally pretty young, and the pandemic did not help this. Their dad and I do not think they fully comprehend the long term effects of T. I gotta say - it is refreshing to read your referring to your daughter as "she/her".
"emotionally pretty young" is rather common. I'm curious if there is one of my essays that you feel is especially relevant? Also, I do a free discovery session if you're interested in having a conversation. You can find the form to set one up on my about page. I may be able to help you navigate in a way that is less stressful for you.
Hi - Your and Helena's writing have helped greatly. Helena - I am so glad you are caring for yourself and stepping back as needed. Reading your experience and advice has been an enormous comfort during this challenging time, and a reminder for balance. You have made a huge difference. You too, StoicMom. I will reach out soon, but in the meantime, Defining Trans, Communicating with your Archetypal Female and aspects of Are You the Enemy have definitely shed light on the structure of this identity and resonated deeply with me as a parent. Both of you - Helena as having experienced this identity and StoicMom as a parent have done a world of good in your willingness to be vulnerable and share. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts! I share your gratitude for Helena's work. She has been such an important voice, and her courage and authenticity are inspiring and give me so much hope. I was very grateful to find her early in our experience with this, and I feel like we've got to watch her mature into her wisdom in real time; her ability to describe and share with such clarity is so incredibly helpful!
Helena, you are a force and the world will be better for your advocacy! You've already done so much and we all support you doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. But beyond that, I love your awareness of your boundaries and that you're modeling for young women to listen to their bodies and tend to their needs.
Inspiring. I will forward to all I know who are struggling to connect with loved ones over this or any ideological divide.
This is really good and incredibly useful. There’s a tendency to “tell ‘em to knock it off” (esp on the right where people only see the vapid “performative” wokeness) but many kids who fell into it are completely sincere, and tough-love approaches will prob make their kid hide it until they’re 18; it’s a disaster in the making!
I have a tomboy about to start middle school who feels things deeply (like me!); I’m very glad you started writing this. Thank you!
Thanks for what you have written, I still really struggle to know how to talk to my 15 year old about this without arguing about it. If I accept what she says then it feels like I am agreeing with her. I really want to send her the link to your detransition story because you sound exactly like her in so many ways. But I suspect that she will just see 'detransition' at the top and refuse to read it. Also I'm then falling into the 'sending detrans articles' thing from your 'bingo' below. But I feel that she is getting a very one sided view on things from the people she follows and reads about, and I want her to get the other side. Any thoughts?
Hi, I'm not a parent, let alone of an ROGD child, but here's something that might help. I met a young man in college a long time ago, who said he was an agnostic, and always butting heads with his father about religion. His father was the leader of a small, fundamentalist church. Finally, they came to this agreement. If the father wanted the son to read something (say, a 15-page article), the father would agree to read something the son chose, of roughly the same length. If, on another occasion, the son wanted the father to read a 200-page book, the son would agree to read a similar-length book chosen by his father. That way, they both got the other to read important documents, while agreeing to read something of similar length from the other's perspective.
Perhaps suggesting such an arrangement with your daughter might make her more receptive to reading things you suggest, if she knew she could choose things of similar length for you to read (or listen to.)
Best wishes!
I am so glad you posted this again. Ive thought about it over the yrs. and could not remember where to find it at. Im the one who asked you the ?...My daughter had already left and I did not have a chance to "listen" she had already blocked me. BUT I want to be prepared if she ever allows me back into her life again. :-)
breaks my heart to hear that she has blocked you but if its any consolation i blocked my mom too. i think preparing for when/if she lets you back in is the right attitude. i wish you the best <3
Why? Just trying for a deeper understanding since my kid is estranged.
I’m someone who’s contemplating cutting my parents off for reasons unrelated to transition. For context, I have gender dysphoria, but am doing everything possible to cope without transitioning, which is why I’m here. My parents, my mother in particular, have trouble recognizing that I’m an adult capable of making my own decisions. I’m heading home for the summer, and am dreading the yearly “why won’t you shave your legs” argument. Not shaving my legs is one of the few ways I have of feeling grounded in my body, so it’s necessary to stave off suicidal thoughts. Additionally, she has a way of insisting on perfection. She will literally come into my and my sisters room at night to berate us for 90% grades. When I tell her that it makes me afraid to go to sleep, she pulls the “oh so you think I’m a bad mom” card. It’s frustrating because I know she really does love me, but she inhibits my ability to function and live a happy life.
I don’t know why your kid is estranged. But if I had to give any advice for parents of estranged children, if they do come back in your life, respect them as an adult, acknowledge their feelings, and try your best not to control them through emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. I wish you all the best, and hope one day you and your child can have a peaceful resolution.
Thank you for responding. I don't think you shared to ask for help, rather to try to respond to my question. But in reading your response, I am drawn to the part about dysphoria and wanted to find an article from someone who has gd and is living with it as a means to show another avenue. These stories are not shared much out there that I can see. I am making an assumption that you are a female based on shaving legs(I only shave below the knee fwiw), but am not making any assumptions that you are a lesbian, the important part of the story is living with gd. https://staging.lesbianandgaynews.com/2021/03/lauren-black-i-am-a-butch-lesbian-i-live-with-gender-dysphoria-i-do-not-believe-my-deep-discomfort-with-my-female-body-means-that-i-should-take-steps-to-change-it/. I hope all the best for you.
I love your advice!!! It made me really rethink how I am going to connect with my daughter going forward. I can’t change her mind, but I can support her emotionally and pray for the best for her ❤️
Not yet. She and I have been talking more openly though and she isn't exactly saying she's in the wrong body anymore but more like she's more comfortable in guys' clothing. I really think there are control issues at play, etc. She recognizes her abandonment issues from the adoption and other things that she is working on. As long as the sun rises there's hope. Thank you for asking and I hope all is going well on your side.
I really enjoyed Helena's writings, but this is definitely starting to seem like a grift to me. $7 a MONTH for a subscription, but it has been almost 4 months since Helena has posted anything. I am glad I never paid for a subscription, but it seems like Helena is really fleecing people that supported her. It is disappointing when yet another person who appeared to have a meaningful perspective turns out to be a grifter.
And maybe it just became too overwhelming for her to be on Tucker, Carlson and have all of that attention on her. She doesn’t seem to me to be the type of person that would really want that attention. I think she really does want to help people. People are also very cruel. I am assuming she is getting a lot of negative attention from the trans community. I’m just saying maybe she needed to take a break from all of it.
Hey, I saw a clip of you on Tucker Carlson! Your legs looked really fat, btw, even your calves! Might wanna cut back.
How do I address a kid who won't communicate on a deeper level and will just repeatedly say I don't know?
It's difficult isn't it? I have a kid who will only give statements via email or text -- nothing in person.
This is brilliant ♥️