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Mar 7, 2022·edited Mar 7, 2022Liked by Helena

This is excellent. I could have sent you the question at the top; sadly, we happen to be in almost the *exact* same place as the questioner. The hardest part for me is when I *know* how false and wrong something our 18-year-old daughter says is ... and it takes every fiber in me to bite my tongue and not point out the contradictions or faulty logic of the culture's "sound bites" we're given, or push back at her with facts that so easily disprove things she says. (I can be passionate about things I feel are right or wrong, and I'm naturally inclined to try to present logical arguments for them!) It's a challenge for me to stick to asking open-ended questions, rather than coming at her with declarative statements debating her position. But this essay reminds me to try to resist all that for now, and focus more on reinforcing a space of forging empathy, connection, and authenticity. So, thank you so much for this. I need to keep it handy to remind myself over and over!

Edited to add: Although we realize this more patient, active-listening approach is what we need to do to best help our daughter, I can't convey strongly enough what torture it is to have to "take it slow" in what is to us a very urgent situation. She started testosterone injections 8 weeks ago, against our strong objections (it was prescribed on her first visit to Planned Parenthood, no counseling or evaluation at all, and she is high-functioning autistic and has a long history of serious psychological issues). Tragically, her voice has already deepened quite a bit—sooner than we expected it could—and her face is already changing. God only knows what other permanent damages are happening internally. So we are devastated and terrified, helplessly watching these permanent changes happening to her right before our eyes, and yet we realize we have to tread very patiently and carefully to try to help her get out of this—resisting every instinct to just grab her up from college and take her away from everything, and confront her directly to make her realize how crazy and "not herself" and dangerous what she's doing is, and how she is almost 100-percent likely to deeply regret it a few years hence. It is absolutely killing us and is a dark, heartbreaking time for our always very close-knit small family. (She is our only child.) For now I have saved the last voice messages I have from her on my phone, and listen to them, when I can bear to, to remember her lovely, familiar female voice we loved so, so much, now forever gone.

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Mar 7, 2022Liked by Helena

This is an unbelievably wise and articulate piece of writing. I am a therapist, but I fell for all the things you point out when communicating with my daughter (subconscious fear, distress etc) and trying to force her in a one-and-done conversation. Fear and rage will do that to me. Since I worked out where I was going wrong (and, as you suggested, journalled, to understand what I was really thinking) communication has been restored.

To be clear, my dtr is not trans, but was a vitriolic ally for trans people in high school. This anti-social, irrational behaviour got me interested in what was going on, and I began researching. What I found and continue to find, horrifies me. Also, when I was 15 (in the early 80s) I identified as a "boy" for a year due to rape. I shaved my head, wore men's clothes and changed my name.

If I was a teenager now, I can only imagine the outcome. I am beyond-grateful that I went through that at a time when my development was allowed to continue unimpeded by drugs, surgery, or indoctrination into the cult of trans.

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Mar 7, 2022Liked by Helena

This is so true. I keep thinking you are 23, only 23. Wow. You would make a wonderful therapist.

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This is so incredibly wise, Helena. You are such a gift to us. Thank you and keep being humble, kind, and wise as you are. Blessings to you.

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Mar 7, 2022Liked by Helena

Thank you for writing this article. It has been beyond frustrating because our daughter is so logical on all other matters. However, the indoctrination came at the ideal time - and on the heels of a 7th grade slumber party given by a jr. pageant teen. Everyone was playing with hair and make-up but my daughter who hates anything on her face, having her hair touched and caring about fashion. Miss Pageant insisted my daughter must be trans. Not knowing what that term meant she researched the ever-so-reliable internet. Always the outsider, she got the "explanation" she longed for.

Our parental guidance was suddenly usurped by the internet, puberty, and teen-age advice.

After 5 yrs. of "my way" talks have failed, maybe I'll start to "win" with your method.

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This is amazingly good! I figured much of this out intellectually (and through extensive research,) but let me tell you, it was a whole different story to put it into practice. I had to really track my own energy, paying attention to my physical discomfort in the moment so that I could shift it the energy I was bringing to the conversation. In the early days, I definitely did some damage with my fear and anger. I'm now grateful for this journey with my daughter that has forced me to become such a better communicator. Of course, as parents, we're terrified, and to find genuine curiosity in a conversation that is making your stomach turn with intense fear for your child, takes a level of consciousness and self control that is exhausting. It's so worth it though. It took me awhile to get there. Part of the journey was getting super clear on my values and accepting my daughter has a "different world view" than I do. Now I can have authentic conversations with her, ask genuine questions about things that don't make sense to me without the energetic shield coming up between us. I had to work hard to bring that shield down--the shield that was erected when I acted out of fear in the early days of discovering my child's trans ID. Good stuff, Helena! We're so lucky to have your wisdom.

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Mar 7, 2022Liked by Helena

Inspiring. I will forward to all I know who are struggling to connect with loved ones over this or any ideological divide.

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Mar 7, 2022Liked by Helena

This is really good and incredibly useful. There’s a tendency to “tell ‘em to knock it off” (esp on the right where people only see the vapid “performative” wokeness) but many kids who fell into it are completely sincere, and tough-love approaches will prob make their kid hide it until they’re 18; it’s a disaster in the making!

I have a tomboy about to start middle school who feels things deeply (like me!); I’m very glad you started writing this. Thank you!

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Thanks for what you have written, I still really struggle to know how to talk to my 15 year old about this without arguing about it. If I accept what she says then it feels like I am agreeing with her. I really want to send her the link to your detransition story because you sound exactly like her in so many ways. But I suspect that she will just see 'detransition' at the top and refuse to read it. Also I'm then falling into the 'sending detrans articles' thing from your 'bingo' below. But I feel that she is getting a very one sided view on things from the people she follows and reads about, and I want her to get the other side. Any thoughts?

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I am so glad you posted this again. Ive thought about it over the yrs. and could not remember where to find it at. Im the one who asked you the ?...My daughter had already left and I did not have a chance to "listen" she had already blocked me. BUT I want to be prepared if she ever allows me back into her life again. :-)

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I love your advice!!! It made me really rethink how I am going to connect with my daughter going forward. I can’t change her mind, but I can support her emotionally and pray for the best for her ❤️

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Not yet. She and I have been talking more openly though and she isn't exactly saying she's in the wrong body anymore but more like she's more comfortable in guys' clothing. I really think there are control issues at play, etc. She recognizes her abandonment issues from the adoption and other things that she is working on. As long as the sun rises there's hope. Thank you for asking and I hope all is going well on your side.

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I really enjoyed Helena's writings, but this is definitely starting to seem like a grift to me. $7 a MONTH for a subscription, but it has been almost 4 months since Helena has posted anything. I am glad I never paid for a subscription, but it seems like Helena is really fleecing people that supported her. It is disappointing when yet another person who appeared to have a meaningful perspective turns out to be a grifter.

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Hey, I saw a clip of you on Tucker Carlson! Your legs looked really fat, btw, even your calves! Might wanna cut back.

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How do I address a kid who won't communicate on a deeper level and will just repeatedly say I don't know?

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This is brilliant ♥️

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