This is beautifully written, even if some parts require the reader to be fairly well versed in online-speak. Most of the conversation about trans that I’ve come across has been about male to female, in which cases the links with autism seem overwhelming in adolescents and with more disturbing things in adults. This window into female to male trans has been fascinating to read. I am a man and found a lot of your account unexpected, probably more so than a woman would have done. I also wonder if your experience with testosterone has given you a bit of an insight to some of the challenges it causes in all men and the behaviours we have to check and modify; I do wonder if it wouldn’t help many ardent feminist types to have some similar understanding. Anyhow, that’s somewhat off topic. I’m very pleased you’re out the other side and on the up and up. Thanks again for a brilliant essay.
thank you for the comment! yeah, the testosterone experience absolutely opened my eyes to at least some aspects of what being a man can feel like at times, and the struggles that presents. its not something you can explain with words!
I think some people feel really good when testosterone kicks in. It is a DRUG. Of course if feels good and of course for some it will cause terrible side effects. Or it will both feel good AND cause side effects. Now I see young females microdosing with it just to have modest effects -- they want an ambiguous voice but they do not want what I would term (I am sure I am using some sort of wrong word) a full fledged transition. As if the human body is some sort of game. Women have a hard time getting estrogen when they are going through menopause due to some research that showed it can cause cancer (though the research findings are variable). Why has it been so easy to get hormones for teens (yes, 18 is a teen). These are powerful drugs. People like to assign blame to the pharmaceutical industry and the greed factor. I don't know if I agree that that is the root cause. I don't know what it is but it is a strange occurrence in the evolution of our society.
"As if the human body is some sort of game." I think it's hard to ignore the greed of a profit-driven medical system. As Upton Sinclair said, "It's hard to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding." The human body as the last frontier is big money. Pharma is big business. There are also the surgeons... Though I also see this as just one factor in the perfect storm that's claiming so many healthy bodies of this generation. The sensitive teens that get swept up in this are the same teens that would have joined whatever the counterculture de jour--this one has created huge markets.
I find it difficult to place blame on Big Pharma making the drugs accessible. Especially when we can bear witness to the cultish cancel culture that throws a fit every time anyone attempts to deny or doubt or make more difficult to obtain.
I don't place all the blame on Big Pharma--I called it a perfect storm. That said, Big Pharma is Big Business. They're beholden to the shareholders and I believe little thought goes into the consumers' ultimate wellbeing. It's how corporatism works. Each young person who embraces the medicalization of trans has a price tag on their head. Big Pharma has no incentive to help stop the madness or embrace medicine's Hippocratic Oath of "do no harm."
30 years ago when I was in high school we had 2 football players in school who were avid weight lifters, they were huge for 17 year old boys. Heck, huge for men. They bragged about the anabolic steroids they took....Testosterone. A group of us stayed together in a condo in Panama City Beach FL one sprig break. I believe the behavior I witnessed is called Roid Rage.... Sounds pretty similar.
This sort of unsolicited leery comment on her appearance is part of the reason girls are reluctant to embrace becoming a woman. It’s the equivalent of a cat-call on the street and is out of place.
For what it’s worth, I read Cardano’s comment as intended to be an encouragement to Helena, since she had described herself as nerdy and lacking in confidence with respect to guys she liked over the years, although I myself would have phrased it somewhat differently than he did. But to echo the sentiment: Helena, based on the photos you posted, you were pretty as a low-on-confidence teen and you are pretty now.
And as you’ve moved into your 20s and hopefully past the worst of the insecurities and negative self-image that plague most of us during our teen years, I hope you’re now able to see how beautiful you are. Not that beauty is anywhere near the most important thing about a person, but most of us would like to feel attractive, and although my status as “some guy on the Internet” probably doesn’t buy me much credibility in and of itself, my opinion is that most guys would be very flattered if you showed interest in them. If I were younger and single again, I certainly would be.
I’d also point out that the quality of your writing demonstrates how smart and thoughtful you are, and the content of it shows your honesty and courage — it had to have been very difficult to write such a starkly personal piece, for public consumption no less, that laid so bare your most intimate inner struggles. This essay is going to help a lot of people who are having experiences comparable to yours.
Sorry, I am not going to apologize for noticing that a beautiful woman is beautiful. Women are supposed to be noticed by men, men are built to notice beautiful women. I am very proud and happy to be a man, and I am very happy she is a really pretty woman.
This exchange is almost poetic. Let's use it as a lesson for the passersby in the comment section. You've demonstrated beautifully why so many teen girls try to transition: transition is an attempt to escape "womanhood", and a way for a girl to avoid growing into her "natural role" as a sexual object to be noticed and leered at by men at their discretion. You are NOT an ally - YOU are the reason this is happening. Until men realize that, things will never change. Shame on you.
You are correct. I am not an ally because men and women are not at war with each other. We are built to fall in love with each other. It isn't about alliance, it's about love and marriage. As Shakespeare points out, that's how the world is peopled.
This is the most ridiculous illogical comment I have ever seen. Does that mean men are clamoring to become women because they are running away from being seen as a wallet and a provider by women who date “up” with economically secure men? It’s not possible to be seen as an object and a person simultaneously? Of course it is and if it wasn’t no men would have sex. Brainless.
If what you think had any basis in reality, the number of teens transitioning or dentransitioning wouldn't have only just exploded in the last decade.
Likewise, a woman or girls ability to cope with reality seemed perfectly fine before all the easy access too chemical and surgical mutilation entered the picture.
Cardano is being inappropriate, however, your thesis is specious at best: "I was also certified boy-crazy, but in the weird nerdy stalker way, not the actually dating boys way. I always had a crush on some boy I would never talk to, whether he was a celebrity, fictional character, or someone I just saw around at school. When I had a crush, it would utterly dominate my mind. I would become infatuated with every little detail of how they looked, spoke, laughed, and moved. I had elaborate fantasy worlds in my head down to the minutia of what we would talk to each other about on the drive back from delivering our third baby at the hospital. I had a one-track mind and I craved an intense fantasy element."
I didn't realize you had been appointed the judge of what is appropriate, nor the referee concerning how I should act. Would you mind showing me your credentials for that authority?
My guess is, you're just a woman who isn't as hot as the author, and you're upset that men notice her more than they do you. That's generally the motivation behind women getting upset about male observations of female beauty.
You can always give up your role as judge and join in celebrating the male viewpoint!
I see that you have gotten quite a bit of push-back on your comment. As a man I would say it's partially justified. In my view it's not that your sentiment is completely wrong, but that you should find a more respectful way of stating it.
I had a similar reaction seeing the pictures of the various stages that Helena went through; finally seeing her comfortably and healthily as a woman, and noting that she is truly beautiful, with a very striking face and eyes. It's a welcome contrast to the awkward and failed attempts to pass as male.
One (relatively minor) tragedy of the trans movement seems to me that so many perfectly attractive people are making terribly failed attempts to counter their biology and look attractive in ways which are not grounded in their biology at all. Late teens and early twenties are that time when everyone really looks their best and it's it's rather a pity to squander that.
I don't think there is anything at all wrong with acknowledging that a woman is beautiful, but it needs to be done in a sensitive and respectful way so that it is clearly a respectful compliment and not a crass objectification. It's probably a distinction that more men should cultivate.
As a man I appreciate that immensely? This is gross. You should delete this comment and hope no woman you know reads it because it’s offensive at worst and woefully insensitive at best. Though it raises the question of just how old of a man you are telling young woman how much you appreciate HOT pics of them? 🤮
I don't find it at all offensive or insensitive. Perhaps you should take diversity training. I can show you how your comments are micro-aggressions against men.
Yeah, I hate to admit it, but I did have a bit of a sympathetic chuckle when reading the part about you wanting to throw/break things and the like instead of just crying or yelling (what I likened to an adult temper-tantrum almost) because I thought to myself how much I've known that feel at times.
Over the last two or so years I have been trying to get better with overcoming anger and all that, and I think I'm muuuuch better now. Nonetheless tho, I imagine for almost any guy, it's a lion to constantly be kept in check during very frustrating moments (esp on the road, lol)
I've heard enough things from TIFs in the past as far as what effects the testosterone had that it's easier to suss out which bits of men's behavior are T and which might not be. And you know what? It's not all the T. T may, probably does, make you more aggressive and impulsive, but it doesn't make you think that women are worthless or at least worth less. It doesn't do that to any man. At some point you all have to start taking responsibility for what you have allowed yourselves to believe and think. It's not all down to body chemistry.
As a woman who can entirely relate to all that was said about difficulty crying and instead getting angry, struggling to understand emotions etc, I instead suggest seeking to find ways to lessen extremism on either side. Being one sex or the other does not mean you have to and will act a certain way or feel certain things internally. Would be hella nicer world if people didn't overfocus on sex so much in behavioral stuff and instead minded people be civil and ensure they are responsible - for both men and women
Edit: I have no hormonal/mental issues nor ever took any hormones, this is literally just my personality. Id rather people be judged by personality than whats between their legs is all
The courage it takes to tell your story with raw honesty, with the clear purpose of helping others by naming your own demons in hindsight, should make you proud and serve as an inspiration to others. Wherever your path leads you, your survival of this trial by fire and your efforts to prevent others from being similarly burned makes you, IMHO, an exceptional human being.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am probably about the age of your Mom. I started down the gender rabbit hole when my then 15 year old daughter came home from school and talked about wanting to cut off her breasts. So many young people's bodies are being destroyed. Your voice is needed. Thank you.
Interestingly, Iran has the 2nd highest number of sex-change surgeries per year in the world, after Thailand. Homosexuality is not tolerated at all in Iran and these surgeries are carried out to try to make the body of those affected “match” their behaviour. ie: if you’re a male attracted to other males, then you’ll be better off at least if it looks like you’re female!
As an Iranian teen I must say that: nope, it very much exists here. It is also legal to get surgery but it's very hush hush, or at least, used to be. This ideology is very widely spread amongst the middle to upper class youth these days. It is almost laughable too since our language does not have gendered pronouns or names and there is no distinction between sex and gender-- since there is no word for gender. So generally, it does not matter what gender kids identify as online, the females still have to wear their hijabs and adhere to the Islamic law.
just wanted to say on the china front (since i assume most people here don't actually know much about china/aren't chinese etc) that being trans actually is a thing in china but its more on the down low. i know of and know people in several chinese circles who identify as trans and have irl and online presence the same way youd see "western" trans individuals
Interesting. I figured the Iran claim was dubious since I thought I remembered MtF trans people being pretty prevalent there (plus in neighboring countries there is the cultural practice of "teaboys" and all that), but I figured in China it'd be negligible numbers or something.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am 63, and this really explains the trans experience better than anything I've read. I can even see how I could have fallen into it if I were young in this time period. I'm in a volunteer position with an organization that is very much into the whole you-must-accept-who-kids-say-they-are thing, and I am going to save this to share with my supervisor at an appropriate time. I think he will be open to it. I think, too, we need to recognize that money is a huge factor. There is now a trans industry of pharmaceuticals, surgeries, therapists and more, and they do not want their livelihood to be threatened, regardless of the cost to the young people they "serve." Thank you again. Very well written and helpful.
do share it with your supervisor if you are able! it makes me so happy to hear when people who work with youths find my experiences helpful in understanding how to better serve them.
I have read or viewed so many stories of detransitioners at this point and read many anguished accounts from parents. This is the one that made me realize that without a doubt I would have gone down the same rabbit hole as you did Helena, had I been in your generation. The length of this post is entirely warranted, and I read every word of it. It is one thing to read about a child or young person getting testosterone in the first visit to Planned Parenthood. I have read that again and again and again. It is just so hard to believe it! On some level, I think I just could not absorb that this is truly happening. It is quite another to move through that experience of the first visit to the clinic from the young person's perspective, with the receipts to prove it. The people who "affirmed" you are normal people, who really thought they had your best interests at heart. That is in some ways more shocking than imagining them as monsters intending to harm young people, because it illustrates the systemic rot of gender ideology. The details of your story are important, both to those of us who had no idea about the Tumblr culture that drew you into this, and--much more importantly--to other young people who have been down the same nightmarish rabbit hole. You are a voice they will hear, a voice to help them emerge from the gender cult themselves.
Helena, I was a smart, weird, and awkward girl too. We have always been around, generation after generation! :) My teen years were hard even without the harm you experienced from this damaging cult. I found my way to blossom in the world and heal myself through music and writing. I can see you are doing the same thing with your strong and clear writing. Keep following your own star. You are a beautiful, brilliant, and shining light!
Elizabeth, what you said about normal people thinking this is the right thing to do is what Hannah Arendt referred to as the banality of evil. Most of the people provide these "services" are as brainwashed as the poor girls receiving the "services."
Ripple--absolutely! I have heard of her work and that term, and the concept strikes me as being so helpful and true. It explains better than demonization how evil actually moves in the world--not through especially evil people, but through terrible social systems (such as gender ideology, such as American slavery, such as Nazi Germany) that many humans, being social animals, conform to. As many of us who are on left and who are also fighting the harm caused by gender ideology know only too well, standing up and speaking up and facing the censure and expulsion from our social circles is terrifying. It takes not only hours and hours of careful study to be sure we are right and unpaid volunteer work, but great courage. The issue I have been working on is women being forced to share prison cells with men. Rape and assault are happening, but also just re-traumatization as most women in prison have suffered male violence and being locked up with a man is terrifying. But I know for a fact (because I know some of them) that the people voting for these policies and the people implementing are not evil. The politicians on the left are trapped in policy platforms that sounded good and "kind" on the surface regarding trans-identified men. They have also been brainwashed, and most of the information about this issue is not in the mainstream press, only in the right-wing press. It is a violent and evil system, but the only way to change it is to keep speaking up and keep trying to break through. Every voice matters. What is beautiful about Helena's essay is that it matters in a new way--it shows "the devil in the details."
The 17th century English theologian William Law described evil as a deliberate turning away from good as a fruit becomes astringent by turning away from the sun (paraphrase) and I consider it the best definition ever. That's what's happening here. People desiring social approval by being such good allies as they destroy the lives of children for their own aggrandizement.
Yep. Tons of people who just want to be a good and kind person and go along with all of it. People can lose their jobs and reputation for stating a view or not complying with correct speech. This is why it is so important for teens to speak out. If you are an adult and from a certain generation, you are not trusted -- even if you are gender nonconforming and have experience navigating the world and coming to an understanding of oneself.
I believe that reading detransitioners' stories is the only way to combat the current gender-affirming/ask no questions model that is being rammed down our throats.
This is an incredible story. I had mental health issues as a teenager in the ‘70s and if the internet had been around then, god only knows where I would have ended up. Your most recent two photos are so compelling in that the stress and anxiety that are so apparent in the earlier ones is gone. Cheers to you on your quest to find your true, authentic self! It does get a lot better!
At some point you asked yourself "How could I have been so stupid?"
The answer was just one sentence before that. You were not stupid at all. You were just a kid. Shame is not on you, but on the far more conscious, experienced and willful adults that drove you through the "transitioning" process.
As a highschool teacher in Spain, just turned 26, I am deeply concerned about the way this is unraveling in my home country, before my own eyes, among my students and friends. ROGD is making its appearance in my learning institution, and the approach is, for now, that of affirmation.
Thank you for sharing your experience. What I take from this, besides some very enlightening examples and testimonials, is that the whole story starts and ends with a smile.
In a weird way, it was that first smile that revealed hope and faith in a process at that point to be yet discovered. And although you lost that smile along the way, you were finally able to get it back, and oh how gorgeous it is.
You are very insightful and a great writer. I remember you saying that you just scratched the surface of the Tumblr social contagion world. It would be great if you wrote more about it because people from older generations have no clue about it.
i absolutely plan on doing that! i feel like in order to write about it, i have to dig deep into the recesses of my brain because it was just such a crazy community and very hard to explain in words. but i will keep chipping away at it! thanks for reading <3
So this is a weird thing to say but if you want someone to talk to about tumblr and fandom please let me know. I’m on tumblr, I write mm fanfic still 🤦🏽♀️ and yet I’m gender critical and have no one my age (I’m 40s) who knows what is happening there. And it’s such a crazy place! I was shocked when Sasha didn’t know about shipping. It’s such a huge piece of the puzzle .
this was so powerful. i grew up in some of the same (mostly harry potter) tumblr communities, around the same, and while i only ever identified as nonbinary at the time, i can absolutely confirm everything you said about the tumblr environment and how it encouraged young girls to take on trans (and other ‘oppressed’) identities. i’m so glad that you’re doing better ❤️
believe me, you’re soon going to feel like one of the first sane ones! every time i go back on tumblr i see more of my old formerly nb/trans hp mutuals using she/her now. (and what you said about shipping/fanfic was very insightful— i look back on the hp fanfic i wrote at 15 and it’s plainly obvious that, like you, it came out of body insecurity and repressed romantic desires). if you ever write more about tumblr fandom communities, and how they encouraged this toxicity, i would love to read it.
thats so interesting, id love to know what more of my old mutuals are up to in terms of identity/transitioning. i absolutely plan to write about this more, thank you for reading and giving feedback :)
I always wondered how other girls from my generation suspended their belief to enjoy fanfiction? I had two friends in high school who wouldn't show me their Harry Potter stories, because I was their 'innocent friend'; but then I spied on it for a laugh and the writing turned out to be rather cringey and terrible! I always wanted to ask how people found fanfiction appealing when it's so obviously naïve and badly written? I cannot suspend my disbelief for it for one second.
Right because it was funded by wealthy people who dont give a damn about the people who use it, the more activity and craziness the better because they get to buy another acre of land behind their mansion out in the exhurbs
Thanks for writing your story. I have enjoyed listening to your story over many podcasts. Tonight I sat with my 14 year as she/he chose not to speak to me yet again. It's been more than a year. I use the preferred name and pronoun but we have refused further medicalization. I see how much is out of my control. Have you healed your relationship with your mother? I know this is your story but her heart... and the pain of being branded abusive by the school, therapist etc...
I feel your pain - my daughter (who wants to be a boy since the start of the pandemic) is similar in age to yours. It's been nearly 2 years of this struggle and fear in my belly. As others have said, I just started getting really curious about her. Every Monday, we are in the house alone together and it's become our time to talk about her experiences and for me to ask if my intuitive hits about her 'why' are correct. It's been profound and eye-opening. Then, 3 weeks ago, she agreed to read Helena's article with me...slowly...we finally wrapped it up today. For us, reading and discussing it together has been transformative - even though my child's experience with this trans journey is very different from Helena's. The article opened sooooo many doorways of conversation between us. My daughter understands the dimensions of this journey so much more. We are stunningly closer in such a short period of time, with greater trust between us. Find a non-threatening pathway of curiousness and see if you can open the conversation. Start anywhere you can and try to keep her talking - even if it's just for 10, 15, 45 minutes. Force nothing. Expect nothing. Go with her flow. (We did not use her requested name/pronouns....and explained our reason as we are the ONLY ones holding space for her original self - keeping the old door open for her when no one else is brave enough to do so.) (We also subscribe to Sasha Ayad's articles (and private/paid content) and the Gender: A Wider Lens podcast...which has also been incredibly helpful.)
3/21/22 update: The most amazing words came out of my daughter’s mouth last night (totally unprompted by me): She said “I identify as a girl.” She then went on to add that she really doesn’t care what pronoun or name people use for her….which is fine by me because it helps her feel more safe and acceptable in today’s current anti-white girl, social-justice-aligned culture. What matters is what she said last night: “I identify as a GIRL.” Two years of terror in my heart. Two years of her struggle with this and being frustrated with the LGBTQ (cult)ure - she avoided the GSA club…thought they were all ‘posers ‘ and cult-like.
It seems I finally have my GIRL back. My heart is overflowing.
I said nothing in response to her statement, didn’t flinch an inch, just listened and smiled. Letting her be in control. Helena’s article helped make this possible. Thank you, FOREVER, Helena.
Thank you so very much for sharing your kind words and support for our daughter. We still have work to do to help her with her journey of self-discovery. But, every day brings new and good things.
I hope it goes well for you and your son. We read it together in small parts over 3-4 weeks. I asked lots of questions to under “his” point of view- because I really wanted to understand my kiddo. I wanted my daughter to feel seen and cared about. And, along the way, I shared info about the broader spectrum of things, my concerns, and why I made the protective choices I did. Everything was done very slowly. I wish for you both a beautiful conversation and deeper understanding of one another. And maybe some openings to a better place.
I so agree! And it’s very difficult to navigate/talk about this topic in a way that doesn’t trigger a label of being “ transphobic”. Helena’s story really offers a much more expansive view on this emerging dynamic - and creates more openings for more viewpoints to enter the conversation. It’s really wonderful what you are doing with your son.
Hi, I just want to say don’t give up on your child. Don’t lose them. I feel for you, im a mom of five. I have no advice bc luckily mine are still young (and I’ll be sure to keep them off tumblr). But my heart aches for you. As Helena said, she does wish her mom was more curious. Not affirming. Just interested in her. In high school I struggled with eating disorders, self harm, isolation at times, and all the things teenagers can deal with. I had a super tumultuous relationship with my mom. Im 34 now and I love her dearly and about to move across the country just to be close to her. The thing is, just keep being there. Despite the shitty phases. Somehow, some way, let her know you love her and care. Of course im not saying enable and affirm. But that feeling that a mom will never abandon you, no matter what kind of failure you become, is crucial to a child’s well-being.
I think at this point its safe to assume that a lot of this stuff is gonna be generally heavy on almost any major social media platform (w/ some being worse than others by varying degrees).
How ppl not on board with this ideology can circumvent this problem? Multiple ways, I suppose, but I think its def a good idea to be at least extremely modest with social media in general, as well as building up a child with (as much of) an emotionally stable and well-thinking character thru the teen years as possible.
I read that. There was good advice- like moving- which we did but here we still sit. It’s nearly intractable with the schools and medical community framing parents as suspicious. Helena’s willingness to speak out is wonderful. She’s so brave and I lean in and listen.
Typically, social affirmation (using pronouns/name) is the first step toward medicalization. It is a strong messsge that what they're feeling is right. Especially when it comes from the adult figures in their life, that they trust.
wonderful job, this is amazing work. thank you. I want everyone to read this. What you say about Tumblr is so very painfully accurate. I have had a similar realization that has felt just as good as you describe yours, though I have never put the beliefs of gender theory into practice with my own body and self identity. The time I spent on Tumblr as a teen and the indoctrination of critical race theory I received in college definitely made me a nihilistic asshole hopeless person. It's good to know that now. With that experience behind me, I've also become a person I quite like. I'm very happy for both of us. <3
"There’s an enormous amount of shame in realizing how much hurt and chaos has been inflicted on others in your pursuit of ideas you now think were ridiculous and destructive." See also how child soldiers are "recruited" in West Africa.
The answer is to do what Hollywood writers have always done. Write about it allegorically. Like maybe a fantastic sci-fi fantasy telling your tale in a roundabout way which nearly everyone will find resonant on some level.
Beautiful essay Helena. As a former tumblr teen (who VERY fortunately never fell into trans ideology myself, but watched many people in my online circle fall into), this all rings exceptionally true. I think a lot of older people who understand and speak out against trans ideology, e.g. the fabulous Abigail Shrier, don't really understand how powerful of an influence these online communities are over the minds of our generation. How could they? It's a foreign world. I hope your essay reaches as many people as possible, and I'm so happy you have been able to get out with (minimal) physical harm and turn your life around. You deserve to be so proud of yourself.
I was moved to tears reading your essay not only because of how moving your story is... but also because my own little brother, who I love very deeply, is falling down the trans ideology rabbit hole. I know in my heart that this is probably not the right choice for him and he very likely will only feel worse after transitioning medically. Although you obviously are female and have different specific struggles, so many of your experiences and mental health struggles ring SO true to his experiences that it's uncanny. I don't really know how to help him and sometimes it feels so hopeless... but I am trying to figure out a way to do so with compassion and understanding. Quietly watching and listening to the growing detransitioner community has started helping me, I think.
Anyways...thank you again Helena. You are an extremely bright person and your story needs to be heard - it is sadly so, so similar to many other "trans youth"'s stories.
thank you for this beautiful comment michelle <3 i truly hope your brother can come out the other end of this a stronger person, ill be thinking about him
I can't even begin to express how impressed I am with the young people, like yourself, who's stories of detransition are so insightful, honest, and generous. You possess self actualization that honestly stuns me, a self awareness that I didn't have until I was well into my 30s.
I am so fearful when I think of the many other young people, and even fully formed adults, who are getting caught up in this phenomena and making decisions that will be harmful to themselves. And I seethe with anger when I know that there are adults that fucking know full well that they are hurting children for their own selfish reasons.
But I have a sense of hope lately, when I read stories like yours, knowing that other confused, hopeless, scared kids have a voice they can turn to when they realize they've been groomed and mislead by an ideology that saw them as a cause and not a person who needed help. I know they can find you, if they try, and hear your story, and the stories of other brave detrans individuals. They can get their lives back because of you all being unwilling to just go away, and instead guiding them back to themselves. You let them know it's ok, it'll take time, but there's a path forward. And that is huge. You are amazing, and I don't say that lightly. I hope you know how amazing you actually are.
"I seethe with anger when I know that there are adults that fucking know full well that they are hurting children for their own selfish reasons." Same. I am on the young end of Gen X but am of the awkward, very online type woman, and I abused myself with eating disorders as a teen. I'm so grateful to have grown up before what young people have to deal with now. I've been ghosted by long-time college friends for being outspoken about how gender ideology is an elite creation that causes harm for vulnerable women (i.e. in prisons).
The way that people are intentionally confusing small children, in particular, is something I will never forgive. Helena was exposed to this stuff in early adolescence, but people are pushing these ideas on early elementary and pre-K children.
I’ve followed you on Twitter for some time, Helena, and I’ve heard you share bits of your story in various places, but it’s great to be able to read/reflect on your experiences synthesized in one place.
It’s also great to see your perspective developing as you continue to move ahead. You seem to be gaining in wisdom and insights all the time—deepening your perspective (and tying it to cultural trends) in ways that can benefit not just you but a lot of other people as well. You’re generous in sharing what you’ve learned so honestly and openly with other people. I hope you find this journey to be self-healing as well.
In the few years I’ve been talking openly about this issue, I’m gradually seeing less hostility (to me, to the conversation), and that’s a hopeful sign. More people are finally starting to see what’s happening to young people— it’s developmentally appropriate for adolescents to explore their identities, and that is often difficult and painful and awkward—and therefore any adolescent can be vulnerable to easy answers and cult-like thinking.
But these kids are a hundred times more vulnerable because all of society has bought into it too. Doctors, therapists, teachers, media, all are supporting this form of self-harm and easy answers which will just intensify and prolong kids’ distress and derail their development.
No kid is safe from this, and those of us who understand that have to talk about it— out of love and concern for the kids who are being harmed—even if it means losing some of our own friends, or having some people think badly of us.
I’ve been trying to promote a perspective which (I hope) transcends the politics and emotions that cause trans issues to be so fraught, which is this: the 20th and 21st century Western notion of “being trans” is a cultural creation, not a human universal. In many cases — especially in adolescents with sudden onset and little to no history of gender nonconformity— it looks like any other sociogenic illness. You simply don’t treat sociogenic illnesses with “affirmation,” medications, and surgeries. That’s just an apolitical, evidence-based fact.
I’m not here to shill for my substack— in fact my substack exists only to bring more awareness to a few topics (the harm being done by trans ideology being one), not to gain me attention or subscribers. But you or your readers might be interested in two posts in particular:
Not to sound entirely like a leftist, but there is something in "everything is political"
Perhaps its not an entirely face-value truism, but I don't think you're gonna win against the gender ideology by trying to do things in some sort of "apolitical" way which most likely has many underlying assumptions that many might still consider political.
I do see your point and I agree on some level: everything is political. And if I had to label myself as anything at all, it would be pretty far left, except that I’ve been quite disillusioned with how the left has become very concrete, simple-minded and sloganistic with its political beliefs and agendas—that used to be the left’s main complaint with the right, and now everyone does it.
There’s no room for nuance, it seems to me.
But in any case: what I mean by keeping politics out of gender issues is this—
Gender issues are health issues. They affect everyone. Health issues, and how to address them, are best informed by science and evidence and not political ideology — and especially not the simple-minded black-and-white, good-and-evil, sloganistic political ideology that we see on both the right and the left.
That’s no way to solve a complicated health problem.
When we’re discussing a complicated health problem, it’s best not to go down the dead ends of political ideology. When people go down those dead ends, and they hear something that sets off their alarm bells that “THIS doesn’t match my ideology! This must be being said by a bad person!” all hope for progress stops.
I definitely get what you mean, and I do find it honorable. Perhaps I'm not using the best terminology when I say "political" either, but to further illustrate my point, the very fact that one w(sh)ould even want to solve other peoples' health issues is some sort of normative claim already. At least, I think I'm using the term right, and if so, normative claims will tie in very closely to the idea of the political.
This is beautifully written, even if some parts require the reader to be fairly well versed in online-speak. Most of the conversation about trans that I’ve come across has been about male to female, in which cases the links with autism seem overwhelming in adolescents and with more disturbing things in adults. This window into female to male trans has been fascinating to read. I am a man and found a lot of your account unexpected, probably more so than a woman would have done. I also wonder if your experience with testosterone has given you a bit of an insight to some of the challenges it causes in all men and the behaviours we have to check and modify; I do wonder if it wouldn’t help many ardent feminist types to have some similar understanding. Anyhow, that’s somewhat off topic. I’m very pleased you’re out the other side and on the up and up. Thanks again for a brilliant essay.
thank you for the comment! yeah, the testosterone experience absolutely opened my eyes to at least some aspects of what being a man can feel like at times, and the struggles that presents. its not something you can explain with words!
I think some people feel really good when testosterone kicks in. It is a DRUG. Of course if feels good and of course for some it will cause terrible side effects. Or it will both feel good AND cause side effects. Now I see young females microdosing with it just to have modest effects -- they want an ambiguous voice but they do not want what I would term (I am sure I am using some sort of wrong word) a full fledged transition. As if the human body is some sort of game. Women have a hard time getting estrogen when they are going through menopause due to some research that showed it can cause cancer (though the research findings are variable). Why has it been so easy to get hormones for teens (yes, 18 is a teen). These are powerful drugs. People like to assign blame to the pharmaceutical industry and the greed factor. I don't know if I agree that that is the root cause. I don't know what it is but it is a strange occurrence in the evolution of our society.
"As if the human body is some sort of game." I think it's hard to ignore the greed of a profit-driven medical system. As Upton Sinclair said, "It's hard to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding." The human body as the last frontier is big money. Pharma is big business. There are also the surgeons... Though I also see this as just one factor in the perfect storm that's claiming so many healthy bodies of this generation. The sensitive teens that get swept up in this are the same teens that would have joined whatever the counterculture de jour--this one has created huge markets.
I find it difficult to place blame on Big Pharma making the drugs accessible. Especially when we can bear witness to the cultish cancel culture that throws a fit every time anyone attempts to deny or doubt or make more difficult to obtain.
I don't place all the blame on Big Pharma--I called it a perfect storm. That said, Big Pharma is Big Business. They're beholden to the shareholders and I believe little thought goes into the consumers' ultimate wellbeing. It's how corporatism works. Each young person who embraces the medicalization of trans has a price tag on their head. Big Pharma has no incentive to help stop the madness or embrace medicine's Hippocratic Oath of "do no harm."
Sharing blame is the FDA. Ever see Dopesick or the Bleeding Edge? The approval process is pure insanity. I’m mostly with StoicMom here.
30 years ago when I was in high school we had 2 football players in school who were avid weight lifters, they were huge for 17 year old boys. Heck, huge for men. They bragged about the anabolic steroids they took....Testosterone. A group of us stayed together in a condo in Panama City Beach FL one sprig break. I believe the behavior I witnessed is called Roid Rage.... Sounds pretty similar.
Thank you for your story. It's a great insight into the worldview.
On another topic, you are also an incredibly hot woman. Very easy on the eyes. As a man, I appreciate that immensely.
This sort of unsolicited leery comment on her appearance is part of the reason girls are reluctant to embrace becoming a woman. It’s the equivalent of a cat-call on the street and is out of place.
For what it’s worth, I read Cardano’s comment as intended to be an encouragement to Helena, since she had described herself as nerdy and lacking in confidence with respect to guys she liked over the years, although I myself would have phrased it somewhat differently than he did. But to echo the sentiment: Helena, based on the photos you posted, you were pretty as a low-on-confidence teen and you are pretty now.
And as you’ve moved into your 20s and hopefully past the worst of the insecurities and negative self-image that plague most of us during our teen years, I hope you’re now able to see how beautiful you are. Not that beauty is anywhere near the most important thing about a person, but most of us would like to feel attractive, and although my status as “some guy on the Internet” probably doesn’t buy me much credibility in and of itself, my opinion is that most guys would be very flattered if you showed interest in them. If I were younger and single again, I certainly would be.
I’d also point out that the quality of your writing demonstrates how smart and thoughtful you are, and the content of it shows your honesty and courage — it had to have been very difficult to write such a starkly personal piece, for public consumption no less, that laid so bare your most intimate inner struggles. This essay is going to help a lot of people who are having experiences comparable to yours.
She is indeed a beautiful, intelligent young woman and very likely to find herself loving some lucky guy who will love her to pieces.
Sorry, I am not going to apologize for noticing that a beautiful woman is beautiful. Women are supposed to be noticed by men, men are built to notice beautiful women. I am very proud and happy to be a man, and I am very happy she is a really pretty woman.
This exchange is almost poetic. Let's use it as a lesson for the passersby in the comment section. You've demonstrated beautifully why so many teen girls try to transition: transition is an attempt to escape "womanhood", and a way for a girl to avoid growing into her "natural role" as a sexual object to be noticed and leered at by men at their discretion. You are NOT an ally - YOU are the reason this is happening. Until men realize that, things will never change. Shame on you.
You are correct. I am not an ally because men and women are not at war with each other. We are built to fall in love with each other. It isn't about alliance, it's about love and marriage. As Shakespeare points out, that's how the world is peopled.
This is the most ridiculous illogical comment I have ever seen. Does that mean men are clamoring to become women because they are running away from being seen as a wallet and a provider by women who date “up” with economically secure men? It’s not possible to be seen as an object and a person simultaneously? Of course it is and if it wasn’t no men would have sex. Brainless.
Is this true? The essay does not mention men’s advances or sexualisation as a driver.
If what you think had any basis in reality, the number of teens transitioning or dentransitioning wouldn't have only just exploded in the last decade.
Likewise, a woman or girls ability to cope with reality seemed perfectly fine before all the easy access too chemical and surgical mutilation entered the picture.
Cardano is being inappropriate, however, your thesis is specious at best: "I was also certified boy-crazy, but in the weird nerdy stalker way, not the actually dating boys way. I always had a crush on some boy I would never talk to, whether he was a celebrity, fictional character, or someone I just saw around at school. When I had a crush, it would utterly dominate my mind. I would become infatuated with every little detail of how they looked, spoke, laughed, and moved. I had elaborate fantasy worlds in my head down to the minutia of what we would talk to each other about on the drive back from delivering our third baby at the hospital. I had a one-track mind and I craved an intense fantasy element."
Good for you. Don't yield to the mob.
I love it when a man thinks I'm pretty. Not gonna apologize, and hasn't warped me one bit.
Why are you speaking for all other women who don't like being called 'hot'?
Agreed - Nothing wrong with this - the OP is very pretty
I am a woman and I agree with you. Just saying. 😊👍🏻
Just step off. This comment is totally inappropriate.
I didn't realize you had been appointed the judge of what is appropriate, nor the referee concerning how I should act. Would you mind showing me your credentials for that authority?
My guess is, you're just a woman who isn't as hot as the author, and you're upset that men notice her more than they do you. That's generally the motivation behind women getting upset about male observations of female beauty.
You can always give up your role as judge and join in celebrating the male viewpoint!
Good thing we have you, cordano, to be sure that no one ever misses or forgets to celebrate the all important male viewpoint
You are quite welcome! Happy to be of service!
I see that you have gotten quite a bit of push-back on your comment. As a man I would say it's partially justified. In my view it's not that your sentiment is completely wrong, but that you should find a more respectful way of stating it.
I had a similar reaction seeing the pictures of the various stages that Helena went through; finally seeing her comfortably and healthily as a woman, and noting that she is truly beautiful, with a very striking face and eyes. It's a welcome contrast to the awkward and failed attempts to pass as male.
One (relatively minor) tragedy of the trans movement seems to me that so many perfectly attractive people are making terribly failed attempts to counter their biology and look attractive in ways which are not grounded in their biology at all. Late teens and early twenties are that time when everyone really looks their best and it's it's rather a pity to squander that.
I don't think there is anything at all wrong with acknowledging that a woman is beautiful, but it needs to be done in a sensitive and respectful way so that it is clearly a respectful compliment and not a crass objectification. It's probably a distinction that more men should cultivate.
Embrace diversity, son. My expression was just fine.
It certainly IS another topic and reeks of voyeurism.
As a man I appreciate that immensely? This is gross. You should delete this comment and hope no woman you know reads it because it’s offensive at worst and woefully insensitive at best. Though it raises the question of just how old of a man you are telling young woman how much you appreciate HOT pics of them? 🤮
OK soyboy.
I don't find it at all offensive or insensitive. Perhaps you should take diversity training. I can show you how your comments are micro-aggressions against men.
Yeah, I hate to admit it, but I did have a bit of a sympathetic chuckle when reading the part about you wanting to throw/break things and the like instead of just crying or yelling (what I likened to an adult temper-tantrum almost) because I thought to myself how much I've known that feel at times.
Over the last two or so years I have been trying to get better with overcoming anger and all that, and I think I'm muuuuch better now. Nonetheless tho, I imagine for almost any guy, it's a lion to constantly be kept in check during very frustrating moments (esp on the road, lol)
I've heard enough things from TIFs in the past as far as what effects the testosterone had that it's easier to suss out which bits of men's behavior are T and which might not be. And you know what? It's not all the T. T may, probably does, make you more aggressive and impulsive, but it doesn't make you think that women are worthless or at least worth less. It doesn't do that to any man. At some point you all have to start taking responsibility for what you have allowed yourselves to believe and think. It's not all down to body chemistry.
As a woman who can entirely relate to all that was said about difficulty crying and instead getting angry, struggling to understand emotions etc, I instead suggest seeking to find ways to lessen extremism on either side. Being one sex or the other does not mean you have to and will act a certain way or feel certain things internally. Would be hella nicer world if people didn't overfocus on sex so much in behavioral stuff and instead minded people be civil and ensure they are responsible - for both men and women
Edit: I have no hormonal/mental issues nor ever took any hormones, this is literally just my personality. Id rather people be judged by personality than whats between their legs is all
The courage it takes to tell your story with raw honesty, with the clear purpose of helping others by naming your own demons in hindsight, should make you proud and serve as an inspiration to others. Wherever your path leads you, your survival of this trial by fire and your efforts to prevent others from being similarly burned makes you, IMHO, an exceptional human being.
thank you very much for this kind comment. im so glad that my experience is helping people understand what is really going on.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am probably about the age of your Mom. I started down the gender rabbit hole when my then 15 year old daughter came home from school and talked about wanting to cut off her breasts. So many young people's bodies are being destroyed. Your voice is needed. Thank you.
Funny how this kind of stuff does not even exist in Iran or China or African countries.
Interestingly, Iran has the 2nd highest number of sex-change surgeries per year in the world, after Thailand. Homosexuality is not tolerated at all in Iran and these surgeries are carried out to try to make the body of those affected “match” their behaviour. ie: if you’re a male attracted to other males, then you’ll be better off at least if it looks like you’re female!
As an Iranian teen I must say that: nope, it very much exists here. It is also legal to get surgery but it's very hush hush, or at least, used to be. This ideology is very widely spread amongst the middle to upper class youth these days. It is almost laughable too since our language does not have gendered pronouns or names and there is no distinction between sex and gender-- since there is no word for gender. So generally, it does not matter what gender kids identify as online, the females still have to wear their hijabs and adhere to the Islamic law.
just wanted to say on the china front (since i assume most people here don't actually know much about china/aren't chinese etc) that being trans actually is a thing in china but its more on the down low. i know of and know people in several chinese circles who identify as trans and have irl and online presence the same way youd see "western" trans individuals
Interesting. I figured the Iran claim was dubious since I thought I remembered MtF trans people being pretty prevalent there (plus in neighboring countries there is the cultural practice of "teaboys" and all that), but I figured in China it'd be negligible numbers or something.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am 63, and this really explains the trans experience better than anything I've read. I can even see how I could have fallen into it if I were young in this time period. I'm in a volunteer position with an organization that is very much into the whole you-must-accept-who-kids-say-they-are thing, and I am going to save this to share with my supervisor at an appropriate time. I think he will be open to it. I think, too, we need to recognize that money is a huge factor. There is now a trans industry of pharmaceuticals, surgeries, therapists and more, and they do not want their livelihood to be threatened, regardless of the cost to the young people they "serve." Thank you again. Very well written and helpful.
do share it with your supervisor if you are able! it makes me so happy to hear when people who work with youths find my experiences helpful in understanding how to better serve them.
Read "Irreparable Damage".
I have read or viewed so many stories of detransitioners at this point and read many anguished accounts from parents. This is the one that made me realize that without a doubt I would have gone down the same rabbit hole as you did Helena, had I been in your generation. The length of this post is entirely warranted, and I read every word of it. It is one thing to read about a child or young person getting testosterone in the first visit to Planned Parenthood. I have read that again and again and again. It is just so hard to believe it! On some level, I think I just could not absorb that this is truly happening. It is quite another to move through that experience of the first visit to the clinic from the young person's perspective, with the receipts to prove it. The people who "affirmed" you are normal people, who really thought they had your best interests at heart. That is in some ways more shocking than imagining them as monsters intending to harm young people, because it illustrates the systemic rot of gender ideology. The details of your story are important, both to those of us who had no idea about the Tumblr culture that drew you into this, and--much more importantly--to other young people who have been down the same nightmarish rabbit hole. You are a voice they will hear, a voice to help them emerge from the gender cult themselves.
Helena, I was a smart, weird, and awkward girl too. We have always been around, generation after generation! :) My teen years were hard even without the harm you experienced from this damaging cult. I found my way to blossom in the world and heal myself through music and writing. I can see you are doing the same thing with your strong and clear writing. Keep following your own star. You are a beautiful, brilliant, and shining light!
thank you so much for the beautiful comment, elizabeth <3
Elizabeth, what you said about normal people thinking this is the right thing to do is what Hannah Arendt referred to as the banality of evil. Most of the people provide these "services" are as brainwashed as the poor girls receiving the "services."
Ripple--absolutely! I have heard of her work and that term, and the concept strikes me as being so helpful and true. It explains better than demonization how evil actually moves in the world--not through especially evil people, but through terrible social systems (such as gender ideology, such as American slavery, such as Nazi Germany) that many humans, being social animals, conform to. As many of us who are on left and who are also fighting the harm caused by gender ideology know only too well, standing up and speaking up and facing the censure and expulsion from our social circles is terrifying. It takes not only hours and hours of careful study to be sure we are right and unpaid volunteer work, but great courage. The issue I have been working on is women being forced to share prison cells with men. Rape and assault are happening, but also just re-traumatization as most women in prison have suffered male violence and being locked up with a man is terrifying. But I know for a fact (because I know some of them) that the people voting for these policies and the people implementing are not evil. The politicians on the left are trapped in policy platforms that sounded good and "kind" on the surface regarding trans-identified men. They have also been brainwashed, and most of the information about this issue is not in the mainstream press, only in the right-wing press. It is a violent and evil system, but the only way to change it is to keep speaking up and keep trying to break through. Every voice matters. What is beautiful about Helena's essay is that it matters in a new way--it shows "the devil in the details."
The 17th century English theologian William Law described evil as a deliberate turning away from good as a fruit becomes astringent by turning away from the sun (paraphrase) and I consider it the best definition ever. That's what's happening here. People desiring social approval by being such good allies as they destroy the lives of children for their own aggrandizement.
Yep. Tons of people who just want to be a good and kind person and go along with all of it. People can lose their jobs and reputation for stating a view or not complying with correct speech. This is why it is so important for teens to speak out. If you are an adult and from a certain generation, you are not trusted -- even if you are gender nonconforming and have experience navigating the world and coming to an understanding of oneself.
I believe that reading detransitioners' stories is the only way to combat the current gender-affirming/ask no questions model that is being rammed down our throats.
This is an incredible story. I had mental health issues as a teenager in the ‘70s and if the internet had been around then, god only knows where I would have ended up. Your most recent two photos are so compelling in that the stress and anxiety that are so apparent in the earlier ones is gone. Cheers to you on your quest to find your true, authentic self! It does get a lot better!
At some point you asked yourself "How could I have been so stupid?"
The answer was just one sentence before that. You were not stupid at all. You were just a kid. Shame is not on you, but on the far more conscious, experienced and willful adults that drove you through the "transitioning" process.
As a highschool teacher in Spain, just turned 26, I am deeply concerned about the way this is unraveling in my home country, before my own eyes, among my students and friends. ROGD is making its appearance in my learning institution, and the approach is, for now, that of affirmation.
Thank you for sharing your experience. What I take from this, besides some very enlightening examples and testimonials, is that the whole story starts and ends with a smile.
In a weird way, it was that first smile that revealed hope and faith in a process at that point to be yet discovered. And although you lost that smile along the way, you were finally able to get it back, and oh how gorgeous it is.
Cheers from Spain, and thank you so much.
You are very insightful and a great writer. I remember you saying that you just scratched the surface of the Tumblr social contagion world. It would be great if you wrote more about it because people from older generations have no clue about it.
i absolutely plan on doing that! i feel like in order to write about it, i have to dig deep into the recesses of my brain because it was just such a crazy community and very hard to explain in words. but i will keep chipping away at it! thanks for reading <3
So this is a weird thing to say but if you want someone to talk to about tumblr and fandom please let me know. I’m on tumblr, I write mm fanfic still 🤦🏽♀️ and yet I’m gender critical and have no one my age (I’m 40s) who knows what is happening there. And it’s such a crazy place! I was shocked when Sasha didn’t know about shipping. It’s such a huge piece of the puzzle .
this was so powerful. i grew up in some of the same (mostly harry potter) tumblr communities, around the same, and while i only ever identified as nonbinary at the time, i can absolutely confirm everything you said about the tumblr environment and how it encouraged young girls to take on trans (and other ‘oppressed’) identities. i’m so glad that you’re doing better ❤️
hahaha makes me feel saner every time somebody says they can confirm this was a real thing, thank you!
believe me, you’re soon going to feel like one of the first sane ones! every time i go back on tumblr i see more of my old formerly nb/trans hp mutuals using she/her now. (and what you said about shipping/fanfic was very insightful— i look back on the hp fanfic i wrote at 15 and it’s plainly obvious that, like you, it came out of body insecurity and repressed romantic desires). if you ever write more about tumblr fandom communities, and how they encouraged this toxicity, i would love to read it.
thats so interesting, id love to know what more of my old mutuals are up to in terms of identity/transitioning. i absolutely plan to write about this more, thank you for reading and giving feedback :)
I always wondered how other girls from my generation suspended their belief to enjoy fanfiction? I had two friends in high school who wouldn't show me their Harry Potter stories, because I was their 'innocent friend'; but then I spied on it for a laugh and the writing turned out to be rather cringey and terrible! I always wanted to ask how people found fanfiction appealing when it's so obviously naïve and badly written? I cannot suspend my disbelief for it for one second.
Right because it was funded by wealthy people who dont give a damn about the people who use it, the more activity and craziness the better because they get to buy another acre of land behind their mansion out in the exhurbs
Thanks for writing your story. I have enjoyed listening to your story over many podcasts. Tonight I sat with my 14 year as she/he chose not to speak to me yet again. It's been more than a year. I use the preferred name and pronoun but we have refused further medicalization. I see how much is out of my control. Have you healed your relationship with your mother? I know this is your story but her heart... and the pain of being branded abusive by the school, therapist etc...
I feel your pain - my daughter (who wants to be a boy since the start of the pandemic) is similar in age to yours. It's been nearly 2 years of this struggle and fear in my belly. As others have said, I just started getting really curious about her. Every Monday, we are in the house alone together and it's become our time to talk about her experiences and for me to ask if my intuitive hits about her 'why' are correct. It's been profound and eye-opening. Then, 3 weeks ago, she agreed to read Helena's article with me...slowly...we finally wrapped it up today. For us, reading and discussing it together has been transformative - even though my child's experience with this trans journey is very different from Helena's. The article opened sooooo many doorways of conversation between us. My daughter understands the dimensions of this journey so much more. We are stunningly closer in such a short period of time, with greater trust between us. Find a non-threatening pathway of curiousness and see if you can open the conversation. Start anywhere you can and try to keep her talking - even if it's just for 10, 15, 45 minutes. Force nothing. Expect nothing. Go with her flow. (We did not use her requested name/pronouns....and explained our reason as we are the ONLY ones holding space for her original self - keeping the old door open for her when no one else is brave enough to do so.) (We also subscribe to Sasha Ayad's articles (and private/paid content) and the Gender: A Wider Lens podcast...which has also been incredibly helpful.)
3/21/22 update: The most amazing words came out of my daughter’s mouth last night (totally unprompted by me): She said “I identify as a girl.” She then went on to add that she really doesn’t care what pronoun or name people use for her….which is fine by me because it helps her feel more safe and acceptable in today’s current anti-white girl, social-justice-aligned culture. What matters is what she said last night: “I identify as a GIRL.” Two years of terror in my heart. Two years of her struggle with this and being frustrated with the LGBTQ (cult)ure - she avoided the GSA club…thought they were all ‘posers ‘ and cult-like.
It seems I finally have my GIRL back. My heart is overflowing.
I said nothing in response to her statement, didn’t flinch an inch, just listened and smiled. Letting her be in control. Helena’s article helped make this possible. Thank you, FOREVER, Helena.
What a beautiful update. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so very much for sharing your kind words and support for our daughter. We still have work to do to help her with her journey of self-discovery. But, every day brings new and good things.
I hope it goes well for you and your son. We read it together in small parts over 3-4 weeks. I asked lots of questions to under “his” point of view- because I really wanted to understand my kiddo. I wanted my daughter to feel seen and cared about. And, along the way, I shared info about the broader spectrum of things, my concerns, and why I made the protective choices I did. Everything was done very slowly. I wish for you both a beautiful conversation and deeper understanding of one another. And maybe some openings to a better place.
I so agree! And it’s very difficult to navigate/talk about this topic in a way that doesn’t trigger a label of being “ transphobic”. Helena’s story really offers a much more expansive view on this emerging dynamic - and creates more openings for more viewpoints to enter the conversation. It’s really wonderful what you are doing with your son.
Hi, I just want to say don’t give up on your child. Don’t lose them. I feel for you, im a mom of five. I have no advice bc luckily mine are still young (and I’ll be sure to keep them off tumblr). But my heart aches for you. As Helena said, she does wish her mom was more curious. Not affirming. Just interested in her. In high school I struggled with eating disorders, self harm, isolation at times, and all the things teenagers can deal with. I had a super tumultuous relationship with my mom. Im 34 now and I love her dearly and about to move across the country just to be close to her. The thing is, just keep being there. Despite the shitty phases. Somehow, some way, let her know you love her and care. Of course im not saying enable and affirm. But that feeling that a mom will never abandon you, no matter what kind of failure you become, is crucial to a child’s well-being.
It's on all social media where young teens congregate. TikTok is full of it.
I think tumblr doesn't exist anymore and moved to tiktok or twitter?
I think at this point its safe to assume that a lot of this stuff is gonna be generally heavy on almost any major social media platform (w/ some being worse than others by varying degrees).
How ppl not on board with this ideology can circumvent this problem? Multiple ways, I suppose, but I think its def a good idea to be at least extremely modest with social media in general, as well as building up a child with (as much of) an emotionally stable and well-thinking character thru the teen years as possible.
No, tumblr still exists and is still like this. My daughter is currently completely entrenched in this and lives on tumblr.
Have you read Irreversible Damage? She gives some advice for parents.
I read that. There was good advice- like moving- which we did but here we still sit. It’s nearly intractable with the schools and medical community framing parents as suspicious. Helena’s willingness to speak out is wonderful. She’s so brave and I lean in and listen.
Typically, social affirmation (using pronouns/name) is the first step toward medicalization. It is a strong messsge that what they're feeling is right. Especially when it comes from the adult figures in their life, that they trust.
As I read your reply I feel completely affirmed and I am struck by the author's point at how powerful feeling affirmed can be.
wonderful job, this is amazing work. thank you. I want everyone to read this. What you say about Tumblr is so very painfully accurate. I have had a similar realization that has felt just as good as you describe yours, though I have never put the beliefs of gender theory into practice with my own body and self identity. The time I spent on Tumblr as a teen and the indoctrination of critical race theory I received in college definitely made me a nihilistic asshole hopeless person. It's good to know that now. With that experience behind me, I've also become a person I quite like. I'm very happy for both of us. <3
<3
"There’s an enormous amount of shame in realizing how much hurt and chaos has been inflicted on others in your pursuit of ideas you now think were ridiculous and destructive." See also how child soldiers are "recruited" in West Africa.
This is marvelous. I think your story would make a powerful film. Have you considered screenwriting? (You know, in your free time.)
The thing is , those that control Hollywood would never let it be made as it is . "They" are the ones behind pushing "this thing"
I'm telling you , the rabbit hole is deep
The answer is to do what Hollywood writers have always done. Write about it allegorically. Like maybe a fantastic sci-fi fantasy telling your tale in a roundabout way which nearly everyone will find resonant on some level.
Beautiful essay Helena. As a former tumblr teen (who VERY fortunately never fell into trans ideology myself, but watched many people in my online circle fall into), this all rings exceptionally true. I think a lot of older people who understand and speak out against trans ideology, e.g. the fabulous Abigail Shrier, don't really understand how powerful of an influence these online communities are over the minds of our generation. How could they? It's a foreign world. I hope your essay reaches as many people as possible, and I'm so happy you have been able to get out with (minimal) physical harm and turn your life around. You deserve to be so proud of yourself.
I was moved to tears reading your essay not only because of how moving your story is... but also because my own little brother, who I love very deeply, is falling down the trans ideology rabbit hole. I know in my heart that this is probably not the right choice for him and he very likely will only feel worse after transitioning medically. Although you obviously are female and have different specific struggles, so many of your experiences and mental health struggles ring SO true to his experiences that it's uncanny. I don't really know how to help him and sometimes it feels so hopeless... but I am trying to figure out a way to do so with compassion and understanding. Quietly watching and listening to the growing detransitioner community has started helping me, I think.
Anyways...thank you again Helena. You are an extremely bright person and your story needs to be heard - it is sadly so, so similar to many other "trans youth"'s stories.
thank you for this beautiful comment michelle <3 i truly hope your brother can come out the other end of this a stronger person, ill be thinking about him
I can't even begin to express how impressed I am with the young people, like yourself, who's stories of detransition are so insightful, honest, and generous. You possess self actualization that honestly stuns me, a self awareness that I didn't have until I was well into my 30s.
I am so fearful when I think of the many other young people, and even fully formed adults, who are getting caught up in this phenomena and making decisions that will be harmful to themselves. And I seethe with anger when I know that there are adults that fucking know full well that they are hurting children for their own selfish reasons.
But I have a sense of hope lately, when I read stories like yours, knowing that other confused, hopeless, scared kids have a voice they can turn to when they realize they've been groomed and mislead by an ideology that saw them as a cause and not a person who needed help. I know they can find you, if they try, and hear your story, and the stories of other brave detrans individuals. They can get their lives back because of you all being unwilling to just go away, and instead guiding them back to themselves. You let them know it's ok, it'll take time, but there's a path forward. And that is huge. You are amazing, and I don't say that lightly. I hope you know how amazing you actually are.
Great article. Thank you so much for sharing.
"I seethe with anger when I know that there are adults that fucking know full well that they are hurting children for their own selfish reasons." Same. I am on the young end of Gen X but am of the awkward, very online type woman, and I abused myself with eating disorders as a teen. I'm so grateful to have grown up before what young people have to deal with now. I've been ghosted by long-time college friends for being outspoken about how gender ideology is an elite creation that causes harm for vulnerable women (i.e. in prisons).
The way that people are intentionally confusing small children, in particular, is something I will never forgive. Helena was exposed to this stuff in early adolescence, but people are pushing these ideas on early elementary and pre-K children.
I’ve followed you on Twitter for some time, Helena, and I’ve heard you share bits of your story in various places, but it’s great to be able to read/reflect on your experiences synthesized in one place.
It’s also great to see your perspective developing as you continue to move ahead. You seem to be gaining in wisdom and insights all the time—deepening your perspective (and tying it to cultural trends) in ways that can benefit not just you but a lot of other people as well. You’re generous in sharing what you’ve learned so honestly and openly with other people. I hope you find this journey to be self-healing as well.
In the few years I’ve been talking openly about this issue, I’m gradually seeing less hostility (to me, to the conversation), and that’s a hopeful sign. More people are finally starting to see what’s happening to young people— it’s developmentally appropriate for adolescents to explore their identities, and that is often difficult and painful and awkward—and therefore any adolescent can be vulnerable to easy answers and cult-like thinking.
But these kids are a hundred times more vulnerable because all of society has bought into it too. Doctors, therapists, teachers, media, all are supporting this form of self-harm and easy answers which will just intensify and prolong kids’ distress and derail their development.
No kid is safe from this, and those of us who understand that have to talk about it— out of love and concern for the kids who are being harmed—even if it means losing some of our own friends, or having some people think badly of us.
I’ve been trying to promote a perspective which (I hope) transcends the politics and emotions that cause trans issues to be so fraught, which is this: the 20th and 21st century Western notion of “being trans” is a cultural creation, not a human universal. In many cases — especially in adolescents with sudden onset and little to no history of gender nonconformity— it looks like any other sociogenic illness. You simply don’t treat sociogenic illnesses with “affirmation,” medications, and surgeries. That’s just an apolitical, evidence-based fact.
I’m not here to shill for my substack— in fact my substack exists only to bring more awareness to a few topics (the harm being done by trans ideology being one), not to gain me attention or subscribers. But you or your readers might be interested in two posts in particular:
Trans Is Something We Made Up
https://bprice.substack.com/p/trans-is-something-we-made-up?utm_source=url
And
TikTok Tics and Mass Sociogenic Illness
https://bprice.substack.com/p/tiktok-tics-and-mass-sociogenic-illness
Best of luck to you, Helena.
thank you for the comment and kind words, and for sharing your work too!
Not to sound entirely like a leftist, but there is something in "everything is political"
Perhaps its not an entirely face-value truism, but I don't think you're gonna win against the gender ideology by trying to do things in some sort of "apolitical" way which most likely has many underlying assumptions that many might still consider political.
I do see your point and I agree on some level: everything is political. And if I had to label myself as anything at all, it would be pretty far left, except that I’ve been quite disillusioned with how the left has become very concrete, simple-minded and sloganistic with its political beliefs and agendas—that used to be the left’s main complaint with the right, and now everyone does it.
There’s no room for nuance, it seems to me.
But in any case: what I mean by keeping politics out of gender issues is this—
Gender issues are health issues. They affect everyone. Health issues, and how to address them, are best informed by science and evidence and not political ideology — and especially not the simple-minded black-and-white, good-and-evil, sloganistic political ideology that we see on both the right and the left.
That’s no way to solve a complicated health problem.
When we’re discussing a complicated health problem, it’s best not to go down the dead ends of political ideology. When people go down those dead ends, and they hear something that sets off their alarm bells that “THIS doesn’t match my ideology! This must be being said by a bad person!” all hope for progress stops.
I definitely get what you mean, and I do find it honorable. Perhaps I'm not using the best terminology when I say "political" either, but to further illustrate my point, the very fact that one w(sh)ould even want to solve other peoples' health issues is some sort of normative claim already. At least, I think I'm using the term right, and if so, normative claims will tie in very closely to the idea of the political.